Friday, June 24, 2005


I haven't posted anything lately because my brain has been filled with job-related stress and frustration, and I don't really want this to turn into a bitch-log. Yeah, I hate my job, it sucks more and more every day, and I am drowning without much of a game plan of how to change it. Not sure that is very interesting.

But I haven't really been talking about it very much with family and friends because I'm sure they are tired of it. They probably think by now that it's something fundamentally wrong with me, when the reality is that I left one bad situation only to be smack in the middle of a worse one. Trouble was that I had a bad feeling about this from the very start; I got the call offering me the position (not permanent, but as a temp consultant to start) and was trying to figure out how to turn it down because it just felt wrong. But people, and my dwindling bank account, convinced me to give it a shot, esp as it wasn't a permanent commitment. That second offer took 8 months, and by then things were pretty decent, although it still wasn't a slam dunk "yes" on my part. Within months, everything changed - new top management, new organization, new team manager, new role - almost all of that for the worst. And I feel stuck - I don't want to just give up, as it was hard enough to find this job. What if I can't find another? Yet, I can't really look clearly when I'm in this kind of situation - it makes me very depressed and negative which I fear colors my ability to positively market myself. Maybe knowing that will help me overcome it. I don't know.

Yesterday hit one of the lowest points. Wednesday night (after an industry cocktail party where I drank two drinks in a freakishly crowded and hot room) I sat next to a young woman on the subway who was writing in her journal in big, easy-to-read cursive. "Today was the worst day of work ever." Yup.

My back hurt at the end of the day so I skipped the gym and just came home. I slept really badly - kept waking up unable to get comfy. Considered calling in sick but there were some things I needed to do, including an early morning team meeting with the new CEO. In the shower I felt better, walking around dressing quite normal, walking the 17 blocks to work, not so bad. Sitting in the hard conference room chairs for 90 minutes? Excruciating. Really, if it weren't the CEO speaking I would have left. (Not just because it would look bad, but because he's, frankly, an ass, and would have used my exit as joke fodder, and considering it would have been a slow, stooped, awkward, painful near-crawl to the door, I'd have been forced to hear it.) After that I finished drafting a document, sent a few emails, cancelled a few meetings, and came home.

Slept for two hours. I've been lying around since - still can't sit (my desk chair is a torture device today) and lying/reclining is not perfect, either. I am currently on the couch with the laptop on my raised knees, still feeling like there is a bag of heavy sand being slammed repeatedly into the right side of my lower back. But I am so bored I need my computer.

I'm miserable.


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