Where my brain is at

The shock has worn off somewhat. I spoke to my brother at length about it, and then the realtor called me back and we talked some more. Since the coop board never even met with me, it's clearly a financial decision. Not much I can do about that, except that I wish the realtor and the mortgage broker had not been so positive and encouraging. But the realtor is going to investigate what the reasoning was, and has vowed to get me in front of the board for an interview. She also told me that they'd rejected another buyer last week, so they might be getting tight-fisted.

I don't know how I feel, truly, yet. Disappointed and enraged, yes. Feeling like I was dumped on the eve of my wedding, but thinking if that's who I was going to marry, then fuck him, I'm better off. To paraphrase Woody Allen, do I want to be a member of a club that won't have me as a member?

Number one bad feeling is having to explain to everyone, to answer every well-meaning inquiry of co-worker and friend. It makes me feel small and stupid and worthless. Number two bad feeling is the dread of having to unpack all of my boxes; or, conversely, to have to walk by them for weeks until I get the energy (and a big bottle of wine) to do so.

Number one good feeling is getting my deposit back, and having control of my finances again. I don't have to give up plans for some of the home improvements I had in mind - I can still buy a new bed and upgrade my TV furniture and reconfigure my bookcases. Without the increased financial burden of a mortgage I can easily afford to do this. Number two good feeling is waking up today and realizing I don't have to pack anything, that the day is free for goofing off if I so desire. I can stop feeling guilty for "wasting" time, since I have all the time in the world.

Back to the bad is the depressed thought that if I stay here I will have to force myself to take care of some of the apartment crap I've been ignoring - get a professional to fix the peeling paint in the living ceiling, replace the dying ceiling fan.

I don't know how I feel. I slept badly last night. I decided to sleep in the living room, in front of the big TV, and spent most of the night watching bits of movies before dozing off again. "Fight Club." "The Daytrippers." "Go."

But I didn't wake up with that sense of terror that grips you as you slowly rise out of sleep into consciousness and remember what is bothering you. So maybe that's good?

I think I'm really not accepting it yet as final. The realtor wants to fight for me, and maybe there is still a chance that something could change. So I have to believe there could be.