Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Reality check

I am in a vicious cycle. Each morning I pick out clothes that are too tight on me, and admonish myself for my bad eating habits the day before. I vow to do better, make my healthy lunch, pack my low calorie snacks, and head out the door. By noon my resolve is slipping - if an alternate lunch offer arises, I take it. If someone brings cookies back from a meeting in the afternoon or leaves an open box of Belgian chocolate on top of the file cabinet, I indulge. I tell myself it's not going to kill me. I go home and begin to make my dinner, realize how far off the track I've gone during the day, and decide that since I've already blown it, I should just eat whatever and start fresh on calorie counting the next day.

I am angry and annoyed at myself. I don't know how to break this - by coming here and announcing it, am I doing something to take a stand? I am no longer the girl who lost 55 pounds. If I don't stop this madness I will be the girl who gained it all back, and that's not going to happen.

I am slapping myself into reality.


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