Friday, June 19, 2009

Misty water colored memories

Awake since 4. My insomnia had, I thought, improved. I guess I can't appreciate the good nights without some backsliding, right?

I'm in the middle of some amazing, yet somewhat disturbing, trips down memory lane. A long-lost friend found me on facebook (which I think is what it's best at) and started scanning and posting some old pictures of us from high school. Pictures in which I see myself, but have no recollection of myself in them. I think that as my memories fade over time, the ones that linger the longest are the ones where I have physical evidence - a photo or other memento. So when suddenly faced with photographic evidence of parties and events I don't remember, I'm somewhat lost. How could I not remember these moments? More importantly, how can I not remember these people?

Another friend has returned to live in the area we grew up in. (I have not lived there, nor had family there, since I was 17, which means my memories are more cut off than most of my peers.) She will sometimes bring up a name, a former classmate or teacher, and I'll admit I have no idea who she is talking about, and she'll give me all kinds of additional details meant to jog my memory, and I'll still be blank. I know, it's been many years, but why is it she can remember what I can't?

Two other members of our little "clique" have surfaced as well, and there is spirited discussion attached to almost every photo that's posted - remember that day? or that day? wasn't that fun? And I do remember some things. I have clear sensory memories of certain moments: a hike in the woods, a fit of giggling, a straw hat. But I don't remember knowing all of these people. Did I like you? Did I tolerate you? Did I have a crush on you? Did we ever share secrets, a back seat, a hug? Or was I always just the shy girl who let her two female friends lead the interactions with the boys while I hung back and watched? I think, maybe, the latter. But I don't know.

Now, one of the guys has invited the rest of us to a party at his house. It's only been a week (less?) since we reconnected, so it's a little overwhelming, but hopefully by the time it happens I'll have a better handle on what I can and can't remember. Or I'll walk into the room and see all their (older) faces and everything will click.


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