Anticipation, again

Waiting for company again.

I want to have a party, and yet part of me knows that the stress around planning it won't make it enjoyable in the least. I'm not talking about planning the food or the drink, I can handle that, but worrying about who to invite and who will show up, and should I invite random peripheral friends, because what if the main friends don't come and it's just a handful of people I barely know who will feel awkward because doesn't-she-have-better-friends-than-us? But of course I have to remember that a critical mass is only formed when you invite both good friends (who will come if they don't have conflicts, one hopes) and so-so friends (who are a mystery.)

I suffer greatly from what we used to call "Mary Tyler Moore" syndrome, named for the Mary Richards character she played whose parties always turned disastrous (by no fault of her own, though - usually it was guests bringing their own personal traumas into her apartment to upstage her festivities.) On the show it became a running joke. Poor Mary.

I'm not saying that I have a track record of throwing bad parties, but I find myself stressing about them as if I do.

I need to figure out, too, why I am so focused on having one, when clearly I'm more focused on the stress and annoyance than on the fun. Is it to show off my new apartment? To hang out with friends, my own way? To throw random handfuls of people together and see what comes of it?

My doorbell should ring any minute now. Posting.